One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.