The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Aw man, but that’s the best part
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.