Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.