Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.