{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.