We got caught Brian, just act normal..
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A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Hotels are back
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw