I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones