I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’M CRYINGGG
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times