I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?