request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
it was a valiant fight
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.