I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.