“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: