2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
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can’t talk my ride’s here
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.