I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.