my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
got so much cardio in today
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.