Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
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Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
my first dose meeting my second
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider