i guess his teacher was really pissed
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car