approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.