If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
damn he’s good
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.