wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
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You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Go girl power!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.