I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before