Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
That’s no pocket rocket.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Mornin
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea