Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael