[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son