When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned