Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot