Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check