If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Britain be like
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
won’t smith
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”