Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
A bold strategy
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.