[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
You Might Also Like
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.