Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
me doing my best
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore