Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.