Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.