Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Has science gone too far?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”