“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.