Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
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Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”