When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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i think both sides are to blame here
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Mmmm canned fish.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
🚲+physics = winner
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.