that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.