If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no