Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
forgive me baja for i have blast
What in the hipster hell is going on here
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket