ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
life finds a way
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.