Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today