Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You Might Also Like
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.