You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry