The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
brian had himself a morning…
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.