Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese