At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
omg leave her alone
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂