As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You Might Also Like
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.