Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You Might Also Like
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave