My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms